gravity

I have taken a tumble and I don't seem to find my way out.  It's been a few weeks, now.  I'd hoped it was maybe the weather which perks up a bit but turns back to fallish, winterish, and worse.  It's nearly June, now, and gray wet and in the fifties most always.

Those bony fingers have come for me.  Up my shirt and down my spine.  I cannot always tell anxiety from depression, so quick to give way inside my head.  I had two panics with shaking and everything, both followed by the abyss.  Can they arise together?  Some kind of yin and yang?

I think I can hold out for this to break.  Though I can feel a list coalescing in the back of my mind.  A somber laundry list.  But my energy is sparse, mostly.  When the rage comes I am most at risk, but I've been able to navigate the strong gravity away, and away when that happens.

I'm making some changes to my diet and exercise routine.  Carbs can help mood.  Moving my workout indoors since the weather is so shitty.  I'm hoping writing will help.  I've scarcely written in a year.  Make plans with some friends.  I didn't talk to or write anyone for days.  Like, literally anyone.  I need to go through the motions.  Maybe these and a break in the drear will begin to move things back.  Otherwise I'm down to the only thing left- medication.