it's not supposed to happen like this

C has been in my dreams over the last several weeks.  In one she was across the street looking at me when I saw her.  I waved to indicate I saw her and see if she saw me, too.  She waved back.  In the other I woke with her, she was talking to me.  It was easy, happy. 

The dreams have tapered off over these last couple of years, but they return once in a while and now that we're out of touch I don't know what -if anything- they mean.  There's this hole that slowly fills with the days events.  In time.  Once the day gets underway. 

In the last week, there's been a snag.  I met a woman.  She's smart, fast-thinking, confident, funny, really kind, and has curves.  There's a lot to figure out here.  Because am I drawn to her because she reminds me of...?  There's more that's problematic.  How much to include, here?  I'll say it like this- first, nothing can ever come of it and second, I am more exposed to her than she is to me.  And she seems to really like me.  There's something personal in the way we communicate and our reltionship is strictly professional. 

Yes, even to my blind ass the similarities are striking. 

I'm heartened that I'm capable of this feeling.  Chemistry.  Love.  Strength or something like it.  I wonder (again, as I used to) if I could perhaps feel this with someone without the barriers.  I can't stand to think I can only get here when protected by the glass vault that prohibits any action by either party. 

Interestingly, it's made me miss C.  A little too much.  Imagining if she called to say hi.  Hanging out even casually.  Or not casually.  The whole heteronormative thing.  A date.  Flowers.  Her laughing, then smiling, then sliding her hand into mine. 

More time, right?  I need to give it a little more time.  That's all.  I hope.