I talked it over some of my complicated feelings with S. This was not long afterward, and she had some interesting perspectives that have stayed with me. I was struggling to put it into words, to describe the walk and talk with C. As I was talking I think it was clear to her that a lot of this is about me not understanding why C wanted to stay in touch with me and what I mean to her. What this is. I was kind of bitching about it and S quietly said, "She loves you." When it was clear I was irritated, she added, "And you love her."
She took a breath and prefaced, saying of course what does she know, she's never met C but she knows me and it's clear to her that C and I love each other very much. She explained to me that some people see a friend a couple of times a year and go for a walk and talk about their plans or life's logistics or highlights of the past year and for most people that's what friendship and love is. She suggested that might feel performative to me because I tend to be deep all-the-time and I expect people I'm close with to keep pace. But most people are not like that.
I didn't find comfort in it in the moment. In fact, I didn't even believe her. But I seem to be using it as a touchstone. I keep coming back to it.
The thing is, the other reason I'd dismissed it out of hand, I always thought C was like that, too. And maybe that's where the confusion's been all this time. I've gone back over different things so many times - we talked about this, kind of. I expressed something (I don't remember what, exactly) and she said this was what she was like all the time. Authentic, she said. And I took it to mean the depth or intensity, but we never actually defined what "this" meant.
I'm here because I miss thinking I kind of 'got' her. Like we were cut from the same cloth. The undulating rhythm, the intensity, the kindness of spirit steeped in a wisdom that is playful, satyr-like.
What it comes down to is that I miss loving her. I mean I still love her but I miss the connection I was so sure was there. A closed loop that could never [really] close. I miss, too, thinking that it would close. There is still some grief in me where those things were.
