It's been a hard winter, but I think the worst is over. I seem to be back to normal or very nearly. Dreams have been weird, and sleeping is sometimes not in the cards but otherwise my mental and emotional state is finding ebb and flow that is easier, now.
Today something unexpected happened. Out of nowhere, C pulsed through me. I mean in the old way, when there was intensity between us. She was on her back, which is to say open to me, relaxed. Like other people see images, I felt it. My tongue sliding around and over her clit. It was jarring as hell. She was so wet, and we were really connected. It caught me so off guard. Jesus. I lingered there, pushing inside. Letting my heart open completely to give, to receive.
Now I am alone again and can explore it. What happened? It was like an arrow. Silent, penetrating. Thoroughly wounding. Should I tell her. Ask her if she knows from whence the bow took aim?Maybe if we were close still, but it seems like it could come off as pretty smarmy or solicitous.
I used to write us a scene. Write us a room. A bed. Velvet curtains for quiet and privacy. I wrote her as a domme at least once. I smuggled us out of the country to the Middle East or north Africa. It wasn't clear, but the rules and laws fell away there. We could be us. This was when I thought we felt the same ways. After she said I got in, and I thought I knew what she meant. The problem is what I don't want is a fantasy version of what could have happened, who she might be. I want kisses that taste of dinner we had together, garlic and red wine. And other scents and flavors, sweat, the earth, and the sea.
But I don't know what she smells or tastes like. I don't know if I pushed her into a dark corner if she'd feel some relief, like me. If she'd pull me into the kiss, too. Or if she'd slap me. Would she put her hands on my face, softly bite my lip, throw her arms around my shoulders sweetly, whisper 'fucking finally?' Would she give me a dark, disapproving look, trust withering away between us?
