I was in the shower thinking about therapy. Well, it began somewhere else and found an inlet, a current, that led there. Trying to get something down that I wanted to expound on later.
I was thinking about how I am aroused (sexually) by things I don't necessarily want to do, and I was wondering if that's normal. I briefly considered asking C in an email, not as my therapist but as a therapist i.e. someone who might know the answer and reason for such things. I brushed that off, naturally.
It led me to remembering a time I was turning to anonymous rough sex and there was a sense that C encouraged me to 'bring her' as in to have her in mind. At the time I was appalled by such a notion but today in the shower I understood this idea differently.
I set up a sort of imagined parallel scenario. A woman who visits a dungeon may in her daily life wear garb adorned with puppies and rainbows. Are the two mutually exclusive? Must one be dissociated from the other? Certainly, she is not thinking about puppies and rainbows in the dungeon... is she?
There was a period of learning that those mental flashes of a strike were not actually desire. I had always interpreted them as I must want whatever these visual and physical flinches delivered. And I acted to 'satisfy' what I thought were desire. In time, I learned this was not so. Many people see the self stepping into the train track, driving into the wall, etc.
Does the misaligned fantasy attach, here? Is it the same? Tangential?
When I woke to her -that is to say when she became more human to me- I made sort of a room for her. A foyer all her own. And then when I came to have attraction to her, I experienced it as a room, too, with a heavy velvet curtain in place of a door. My attractions were aligned, then - what I fantasized about I actually did very much want. She was a Domme, initially. And flashing forward to now, she is a guest that can roam with me or alone through most of the house, as is true with everyone I love and keep dear.
I realized though all of this, there's more to know from the entries here. And I may have settled on a framework to turn this into a book whose working title is Meta Analysis.
